Mantilla the Hon

Fr. Longnecker’s humor:

Famous ecclesiastical fashionista, Mantilla Amontillado comments on her particular headgear

OK hon. You asked me why I wear the mantilla. It’s easy. I wear the mantilla first of all because it looks good and because it is ridiculous. You think hats are simply to keep your head warm? You’re crazy, then everybody would just wear a woolen stretchy hat.

No a good hat is something, you know, slightly crazy. A good hat stands the world upside down. A really good hat is totally useless and reminds everyone that not everything has to be useful and that useful is usually another word for ugly.

Still. This is not ugly. No. This mantilla is to look good. So what’s wrong with looking good? Also, it is for something else. The Bible says women should cover their heads in church. When I wear the mantilla I’m saying, “Look here. I believe the Bible.” In this day and age, that’s ridiculous too. You see, it is the way I fly the flag. It is my way of saying, “I’m a Christian, and what are you going to do about it?”

Third reason I wear the mantilla is because it is Catholic. Do you think you’ll ever see one of those Protestant gals at the mega church wearing a mantilla? I don’t think so. They’re dressed in sloppy jeans, flip flops and slurping a latte. You call that church? I call it slouch. My mantilla is my Catholic badge of courage.

Fourth reason: I met this Amish girl once. She was wearing one of those little bonnets that look like the thing you collect strawberries in, but it was white and upside down on her head.

I say, “Why are you wearing that crazy thing on your head?”

She looks me in the eye and says “It is the sign that I am submissive to God and to men.”

I nearly punched her in the eye. “Are you crazy? You want to be submissive to God and men? What’s wrong with you? I think I’m going to slap you girl!”

She says, “Well, you got to be submissive to something. Everybody’s got to take orders from someone. Who you going to take orders from? Yourself? Who do you think you are? God? Get over it.”

Whew! talk about radical statements? That one knocked me for a loop. Then I start to think about it, and I think maybe she’s right. So I got my own version of the Amish bonnet which is my mantilla, and I’m happy about the submissive to God thing, but I want to argue with her about the submission to man thing because so many of the boys are beasts.

But never mind that. Another reason: I wear it because it annoys liberal Catholics, and that is always fun, you know?

Finally there is this: I wear it to remind the men in my life that I am submissive to God, and I’ll tell you a secret, I’d like to find one of them I could be submissive to as well, but they better watch out because if they take advantage of that they’re going to be sorry, because if they think ‘submissive’ means I’m going to be some kind of Minnie Mouse doormat they’d better think again.

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3 Responses to Mantilla the Hon

  1. Anon Nymous says:

    I appreciate the mantilla article! About three years ago, I wore one to Mass, and had arrived at Mass early to pray. To my surprise, my husband sat three pews ahead of me when he arrived. So I went to his pew, and he pulled the mantilla of my head. That was the last time I wore one. I tried.

  2. Hilarious! I love it!

    Can we republish this on our blog?

  3. Passer-by says:

    Do you even know who Minnie Mouse IS?! What is wrong with you? And why are you so arrogant?! How can you promote PIETY through ARROGANCE?!

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