Are you tired of reading passages from the Bible or the Catholic Catechism that shock you? Don’t you think that sometimes the Word of God can seem a little…outdated? Aren’t you weary of being offended by certain things Jesus said?

Well don’t let your religion challenge you anymore, now there’s 1-900-FixUrBible -a new service you can do right from home that tailors your Bible to your needs.

Yes it’s the Bible but more importantly it’s YOUR bible.

1-900-FixUrBible has operators standing by to ask you certain questions about what offends you in your Bible and based on your preferences your Bible can be tailor made to suit your needs by removing certain quotations that don’t fit in with 21st century life. Your Bible can also hold your favorite quotes like “Judge Not lest ye’ be judged” because sometimes we don’t want to be challenged by our faith, we just need reaffirmation.

Whether it’s making your Old Testament smite free or having the names of all the Pharisees changed to the leaders of the political party you like least 1-900-FixUrBible can do it. We also can work miracles with the Catholic Catechism by simply removing anything which refers to

A) sexual ethics
B) Abortion
C) The authority of the bishops

Operators are standing by. If you call now you get the Ed Begley Bible chapter free where the burning bush is replaced by one of those new flourescent bulbs.

Remember, just because you’re following Jesus doesn’t mean you can’t blaze your own trail sometimes. Call 1-900-FixUrBible for YOUR Bible today.

Legal disclaimer: 1-900-FixUrBible provides no guarantee that you will go to heaven and may even be hazardous to your eternal soul.

From National Catholic Register

5 Responses to 1-900-FixUrBible

  1. Barbara de Souza says:

    It seems that the ends times are here. This is spiritual warfare. Jesus is always victorious over belial. Michael the Archangel, our Guardian angels protect us.

    Deuteronomy 4:2

    Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish [ought] from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you.

    This is the first verse we’ll examine that makes the case that there will be no further written revelations from God beyond the Bible. The book of Deuteronomy was written in 1410 BC. Note the emphasis on not adding or subtracting from God’s “word”. As Matthew Henry’s commentary states, this was God’s written Word, that had been revealed to them up to that point in history.

    Deuteronomy 12:32

    What thing soever I command you, observe to do it: thou shalt not add thereto, nor diminish from it.

    Proverbs 30:5-6

    Every word of God [is] pure: he [is] a shield unto them that put their trust in him. Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.

    Revelation 22:18-19

    The previous verses quoted were from old testament books. The final book of the Bible was the book of Revelation. It is physically the last book in the Bible, but it was also the last book written in the Bible (90 AD). Revelation begins with these verses:

    The Revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave unto him, to shew unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass; and he sent and signified [it] by his angel unto his servant John: Who bare record of the word of God, and of the testimony of Jesus Christ, and of all things that he saw. Blessed [is] he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time [is] at hand. Revelation 1:1-3

    Revelation ends with these verses:

    For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and [from] the things which are written in this book.

    POINT #1. The first thing to note about the book of Revelation is that the revelations in it came directly from Jesus to John. So it has the highest possible authority.

    POINT #2: The Urantia society, for instance, teaches that the Bible was for the people who lived during Biblical times, and that the Urantia book’s additional revelations are for today. But Revelation 1:3 clearly states that the revelations in this book are for all who will live from that time forward, including those who will live in the last days, just prior to Jesus’s second coming. There are many other verses in Revelation that support the idea that it is a book that is focused heavily on the events that will affect those who are living in the last days. We know that in the case of Revelation 1:3, it too is meant for those in the last days because of the phrase “which must shortly come to pass”. Now if you’re thinking hey wait a minute, this verse says “shortly come to pass”, and it’s been almost 2,000 years since these words were written. “Shortly” sounds like something pretty imminent, not 2,000 years later.

    Before jumping to the conclusion that the prophecies in Revelation are not for today, you must approach your interpretation of this verse using sound Bible interpretation principals. One of those principals is that you must look at everything the Bible has to say about a particular issue before you can accurately judge the meaning of many verses. In this case, one must consider what God tells us about His perspective on time itself. Remember, he created time. He can operate within or outside its boundaries. Here’s a pretty good clue from God about His view of time:

    But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day [is] with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. 2 Peter 3:8

    So from God’s perspective, “shortly” could easily mean a few thousand years and He tells us not to be ignorant of that fact. It is also important to pay attention to the fact that many Biblical prophecies about the “last days” are coming true today, thousands of years after they were predicted. An interesting video about end-time prophecies is available on-line.

    Among those prophecies is the fact that “angels” (demons) would lead many away from the truth about the Bible’s message of salvation through faith in Jesus through false “doctrines”. In other words, extra-Biblical false revelations would come directly from spirits claiming to be from Heaven. Books like the Urantia book or book of Mormon claim such authorship. That fact alone should immediately set off major red flags about their contents.

    Galatians 1:6-12

    I marvel that ye are so soon removed from him that called you into the grace of Christ unto another gospel: Which is not another; but there be some that trouble you, and would pervert the gospel of Christ. But though we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel unto you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed. As we said before, so say I now again, If any [man] preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed. For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ. But I certify you, brethren, that the gospel which was preached of me is not after man. For I neither received it of man, neither was I taught [it], but by the revelation of Jesus Christ.

    In these verses we see a) that the Gospels of the Bible are revelations by Jesus Himself and b) that God warns us about a different gospel message from an angel from heaven.

    There are no verses anywhere in the Bible that state there will be additional written revelations after the book of Revelation. Since Revelation deals with events clear up to the very last days, no additional revelations are needed. On the flip side, as we saw above, there are explicit warnings not to add or subtract anything to the last book of the Bible, Revelation. Additionally, several old and new testament books in the Bible do predict additional false revelations from Satan, demons and human false prophets including in the last days.

    The purpose of these additional extra-Biblical revelations are to mislead people away from the central truths of the Bible’s Gospel message of salvation by faith in Jesus Christ (as the Bible defines it). In addition to the Galatians verse above, these other Bible verses are examples of warnings about false doctrines that originate from extra-Biblical revelations and false prophets:

    Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; 1 Timothy 4:1

    And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:11

    For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if [it were] possible, they shall deceive the very elect. Matthew 24:24

    For such [are] false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ. And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light. 2 Corinthians 11:13-14

    But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction. 2Peter 2:1

    This is an important point because books like Urantia and the Book of Mormon claim to be additional revelations. They also claim to have originated from spirits claiming to be from Heaven. In stark contrast, not one book of the Bible was authored by an angel or from a human that was being inspired to write what he did by an angel. God Himself (the Holy Spirit) directly inspired all of the human authors of the Bible or they got the information first-hand from Jesus Himself.

    Proof that the Human authors of the Bible were inspired by God

    And that from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All scripture [is] given by inspiration of God, and [is] profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works. 2 Timothy 3:15

    It is interesting that one of the most common reasons for trying to deny the authority of the Bible is actually one of the strongest reasons for proving it’s divine inspiration and authenticity. How many times have you heard that the Bible can’t be trusted because it was written by mere men? It’s a common straw man argument that many atheists, agnostics and cults use to try to deny it’s authority and accuracy. But when considering the following facts, it’s God-inspired human authorship is actually a strength, not a weakness:

    Collectively it was written over about a 1,500 year period. It had about 40 different authors. Yet in spite of that, the old testament books are in complete harmony with the new testament books. This is quite remarkable when you consider how difficult it would have been for 40+ men to have perpetrated a hoax as complex and wide-spread as the Bible over a 1,500 year period, and the fact that many of the Bible’s authors died a martyr’s death because of their absolute belief in it’s authenticity.

    Numerous scientific facts that modern science didn’t discover until many centuries later appear in the Bible. Given the fact that jets, submarines and other modern technology were in rather short supply during Biblical times, how were mere human authors able to know these things with virtual 100% accuracy?

    The Old Testament contains about 300 prophecies about the Messiah, Jesus. Just eight of these prophecies were examined in the book Messages from Heaven (See pages 58-61 of the book).

    They calculated the statistical odds that just these eight prophecies would come true and it turned out to be one in 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. That staggering number is even more amazing when you consider that there were about 290 more prophecies that also came true that they didn’t factor into the equation! It simply would have been impossible for mere men to have prophesied these things or even conspired with others many centuries after they had died to somehow “make” these things happen the way they did. The authors who wrote these prophecies were clearly inspired by God to write what they did. We can be certain that demons did not feed them this information because one test of whether prophecies are from God or from demons is the 100% accuracy test (Deuteronomy 18:22). Satan can get it right sometimes, but not always. The Bible authors had a perfect record.

    There are many prophecies about the last days. It certainly appears that a good number of them are coming true in this generation. The prophecies about Israel are especially stunning.

    Testing the spirits – the Insurmountable Hurdle

    Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1

    Even if you could convince yourself after reading the above verses that God still might allow for additional revelations like what are in the Koran, Urantia Book and Book of Mormon, there is still one insurmountable hurdle that none of these books can overcome. They will all fail the “test the spirits” Bible tests miserably.

    God clearly established the Bible as the one and only baseline to measure all other doctrines against to see if they are inspired by the spirit of God, or the spirit of demons.

    When applying these Biblical tests to the Urantia book, book of Mormon, the Koran and other alleged holy books, they are quickly exposed for the demonic masterpieces they truly are. The quickest way to expose any alleged holy book or revelation as heresy is to compare what it says about the person and work of Jesus against what Jesus reveals about Himself in the Bible. In spite of the claims of the Urantia book, book of Mormon and others that they are in harmony with the Bible on these important points, they are polar opposites. For a good overview of what the Bible has to say about who Jesus is, and why his death and resurrection were so important to us.

    Arm yourself with this important Biblical knowledge first, and the false doctrines of demons will be far easier to spot. Those who are not armed with this important Biblical knowledge are unfortunately sitting ducks for all kinds of seductive demon trickery. For more information about this, see People who Are Vulnerable to Cults.

  2. MamaMidwife says:

    Um, didn’t read that last comment word for word….a little to long for me. Too bad she doesn’t link to her own blog for posting.

    However, my comment for *this* post is:

    Bwahahahahahaha!! Awesome! I know A LOT of people who *do* think they can pick and choose what they like from the Bible and the CCC. Drives me bonkers. Either you accept the Truth, all of it, or you don’t.

    Nice post, Fr.

  3. Rory Thraen says:

    Congrats to Oliver Ekman Larsson for getting his first point (assist) in the NHL…

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