Marketing the “New” New Mass

August 3, 2008

 A clearer and more hilarious version found here.

When I heard the report at the end of last week that Pope Benedict has asked the Congregation for Divine Worship to study some potential changes to the liturgy, I got very excited. Think about all the possibilities! Think about what the Mass could be, rather than what it often is. The abuses and experiments, gone! The tawdry celebration of self, gone! Latin back in its proper place! Gregorian Chant! The priest’s magnificent back on glorious display!

The more I thought about it the more excited I became and the more I started wondering how would such a change be successfully introduced to the faithful? How could we not only have the faithful accept the changes to the mass, but actually desire them? To want them, need them, can’t live without them?!?

Then like a light bulb, I realized there is no need to re-invent the light bulb. We should use some tried and true methods that have proved their effectiveness over generations. We should use some ol’ fashioned marketing techniques to sell the new New Mass to the masses!

Now I know what you are thinking. “Patrick, we have no idea what the new New Mass of the masses will look like or even if there will be a new New Mass.” I say, don’t bother me with such minutiae. We need to build anticipation, we need to build hype, we need to build overwhelming demand! Therefore, let’s move full steam ahead with some advance marketing!

First, we need a good product name. Fortunately, I took care of that for them the other day when I dubbed the new New Mass, Novus Ordo 2.0. I know, I know. Stroke of genius that.

But now we need a marketing campaign sell the Novus Ordo 2.0. As you know, any good marketing plan starts with good packaging. So I decided that I should to help ante-deluvian dolts in the Vatican marketing department out. Therefore I have issued, motu proprio, the first great marketing campaign of the “Reform of the Reform” era. I give you Papa Ben’s Novus Ordo 2.0!